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Shakira
Background Shakira is a brazen hussy disguised as a South American pop star. She has a belly ailment that precludes her from wearing any clothing article covering said tum tum, which is flat and hard, yet soft in the right places. She has an unnatural fixation on Jack Piccininni and has been known to scale his apartment building's exterior to reach his "unit". Backstage This all from one backstage encounter with Mr. Piccininni, who she spotted in her audience eating a large tub of popcorn and drinking a six pack of tall boy Miller High Lifes, which incited her, inexplicably and beyond her control, "melting from his extreme animal masculinity" to order bodyguards to bring him backstage after the show. Mr. Piccininni has reported that although this was a night he'll never forget, playing backgammon and discussing geopolitics, he wishes he could now and that Shakira would stop calling him 600 times per day and following him into coffee shops and staring at him for hours on end when he knows damn well who's wearing the mustache, nose, and eyeglass disguise. This shit's gotta stop In countless Facebook postings, Mr. Piccininni has attempted to dissuade Shakira's bizarre behavior through carefully constructed and encoded hints like "Shakira is fucking nuts and won't leave me alone", but that has only increased the frequency of the fires set to Jack's car's interior and has not lessened in any measurable way her determination to follow him relentlessly, even overseas once, hiding in his luggage. In a recent arrest and raid on her home, it was discovered that she had made plaster castings of various parts of Mr. Piccininni's anatomy, apparently cast while he was rendered unconscious by a homemade concoction of herbs and tequila. When asked what these body part replicas were for, she responded, "How do you know these are of, who is this guy, how you say, Juhhh-ack Pee-chuhhh-who-nee?" Soon after, inspectors uncovered a vast cache of Jack Piccininni scrapbooks and other Jack Piccininni memorabilia hidden in an underground vault beneath her home. Dimensions She is cute and tiny, and her hips don't lie. She can dance in a rhythmic manner, while undulating provocatively, and sing in a strange and enticing voice, yet it's hard to almost impossible to hear her actual singing because, as she continues to undulate, including her uncovered midsection (see Background, above), the viewer's vision usually overloads the sensory section of his brain, rendering the observing person essentially deaf, yet highly aroused and usually with a boner. She is blonde. However, this makes no sense, as she is of a genetic make-up where no one is blonde in her ethnicity. Except maybe albinos. But they're more like whitish to just plain white - both hair and skin (but Shakira's skin is of an olive complexion, very smooth and tight especially in the belly region, and as it warms under the hot sun, slathered in coconut and other exotic oils, it glistens, it beckons. Some have even stated that it calls in actual audible, spoken English (and Spanish - citation needed) tones for them to come over to her beach towel, as inappropriate is that would be if you didn't know her, and nuzzle in her womanly curvy belly region, maybe even drink a Margarita from her navel). Plus her eyes aren't all fucked up like an albino's. So it's gotta be a dye job on the hair. Looks good on her. Shopping skills Shakira enjoys shopping at Walmart, Sam's Club, Target, and Costco. She collects coupons avidly, and is known to enjoy a good sale, with a passionate penchant for particle board furniture and Jaclyn Smith Collection apparel. She hopes to one day amass a complete Tropical Wilderness ™ throw rug collection.